The Andy Cohen Diaries: 10 Things I Didn’t Need To Know

Welcome to my blog!

Welcome to my blog!

I love to analyze books, movies, plays, etc. to understand what makes them excellent and/ or popular. My latest focus is “The Andy Cohen Diaries –
A Deep Look At A Shallow Year” by Andy Cohen of BRAVO fame. In case you don’t know who Andy is, we have him to thank or blame (whatever your take on this over- injected, over- teased, wig-sporting, false eyelash batting, whiny, back-stabbing bunch) for the Housewives phenomenon, among other equally controversial shows and host of Watch What Happens Live, hereto referred to as WWHL. 

This book is a perfect example of why I don’t like to read memoirs, biographies and autobiographies. Last week’s blog dealt extensively with this subject. Read on, you’ll get the picture.

Yes, the focus of this post is to discuss Andy’s book, but I must digress while I rant on Andy Cohen’s portrayal of  the female gender. It’s inconsequential to me that Andy is gay, although he finds the need to constantly refer to this well-known fact, but I do take exception to his preoccupation with the worst examples of womanhood. Most of the housewives are cartoonish –  caricatures, in fact – both in their appearance and their personalities. Why the strong need to disparage the opposite sex?  I know all gay men  do not dislike women, but I do feel that Andy Cohen  harbors a strong dislike and a deep resentment.Hmm…I’m not saying I never watch these shows, but I view them as outrageous entertainment, not a representation of a lifestyle I admire. Yolanda  and Kim from Beverly Hills  and Chyka from Melbourne are examples of women I admire. I like some of the others sometimes, and most of them never. Thankfully, I only know a few women who act like these reality stars and I’m happy to report, they have been banished from my life. If I want aggravation, I can expose myself, without bug spray, to a swarm of  bloodthirsty mosquitoes.

Anyway, back to the book.

10 things I didn’t need to know:

1. Lady Gaga’s Pee Became a Pop Culture Artifact – While backstage as a guest on WWHL on Sept. 11, 2013, Gaga didn’t want to walk through a throng of people, so she peed in a garbage can. Andy had his staff protect the pee until they had it processed into pee-fume. That’s not a typo. It happened.

2. Andy Could Barely Hold His Poo – On Thursday, Sept. 12, 2013, catering served breakfast for dinner which had disastrous effects on Andy’s digestive system. Not wanting to poop in the shared public toilet, and agonizing while Gloria Estefen taught him sexy Latin dance moves on WWHL, Andy perfected the clench mechanism to avoid an embarrassing situation until he was able to leave the premises and rush to the safety of his own bathroom. Okay, Andy, but if you didn’t want people to know, WHY would you put this in your book?

3. Andy Didn’t Find A Boyfriend At the Gay Temple on Yom Kippur– On Saturday, Sept. 14, 2013, Andy states, “Cruising the Jewish Boys during the long service is certainly a wonderful diversion but I wonder if it what the Lord would’ve wanted on the holiest day of the year. Like maybe it’s contradictory to the repenting.” Like, maybe, Andy, you should have kept this to yourself?

4. Andy Prefers Madonna Over Lady Gaga– On Sept. 19, 2013, when Glamour magazine asked Andy to interview Lady Gaga for their Women of the Year cover story, Andy didn’t want to do it because he didn’t want to “offend Madonna by being up Lady Gaga’s ass.” Andy did the interview as requested. Oh, I get it now, he’s only interested in Gaga’s pee, not her ass.

5. Andy Is Terrified of Waterbugs – Also on Sept.19, 2013, Andy saw a huge waterbug on the soap tray next to the sink, screamed bloody murder, called the doorman and offered him $20 to kill the damn thing. Unfortunately, the intruder disappeared before it could be squashed. I HATE waterbugs and can identify with Andy’s horror, but still….By the way, another time a water bug showed up, Andy smashed it to smithereens with his shoe and he managed to kill a beetle with Raid on Oct. 4, 2013.  I guess gay men are proud to report such things?

6. Andy Decides To Get A Dog– Again on Sept. 19, 2013, (busy day) Andy decided to get a dog. “I really need a dog. I’m lonely and I need something to care about, take care of, and think about other than myself or my job. I’ve been tossing this around all year, but tonight sealed the deal. Can dogs kill bugs? At lest we could go through the terror together. I’m going to start browsing.” In time, Andy found the perfect dog, whom he named “Wacha.” Someone should tell Andy that beagles lack the killer instinct.

7. Anderson Cooper Also Gets Bored– On Oct. 4, 2013, Andy and Anderson Cooper FaceTimed and had a great conversation. “He and I broke it down, then reverted to a common refrain, how bored we both are. Both of us lead pretty exciting lives, but on any given day you’ll find one of us texting the other that we are bored out of our minds.” Oh, puhleeeze.

8. St. Vincent’s H0spital Is Going Condo – On Oct. 18, 2013, Fredrik Eklund  of BRAVO New York real-estate reality show fame, took Andy to see models of apartments in the building where the hospital once served the community. The pre-construction prices are $4,000 a square foot. “And they’re erecting the building in the spot where thousands of people died of AIDS. Perhaps this is a bad idea all around. I felt rage towards the sales rep blithering about how fast everything was selling. They are characterless. I should add, and won’t be available till 2016, when the guy said everything will be five thousand a square foot. I told him I wanted to go home to my already nice apartment and open the window and jump out. In a nutshell, this is why New York City is going down the drain.” I have to agree with Andy. Housing prices are astronomical. The middle class is being driven out. NYC will house the wealthiest and the poorest who will only exist to serve the privileged. Even the already wealthy won’t be able to afford our city. Community is destroyed in favor of big business. Again. Important information for New Yorkers, but it makes me sad that Bloomberg’s legacy lives on.

9. Andy Walked in The Restroom When Donnie Wahlberg Was Pooing – On Oct. 29, 2013, Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy were guests on WWHL. The couple met a year before when they were both guests on Andy’s show. Before the show, Andy went into the bathroom to pee…”So I walked in and Donnie is in the stall. I go,’Donnie, is that you? Are you pooing in here? ‘ and he goes,’Yeah.’ So I said, ‘Are you one of those people who can poo anywhere?’ And he was like,’When you gotta go…’ I told him I haven’t gone number two here once in four and a half years. Right before air he said to Jenny, ‘Babe, Andy busted me pooing.’ Here I am worrying about someone walking in on me and I walked in on the guest.”  With all the talent Donnie has as an actor, this is what you choose to share with the world? You supposedly like the guy, so why would you implicate him in an immature, ridiculous story?  You also told numerous tales about Wacha’s pee and poop in your book which for some reason, you thought noteworthy. Donnie’s not a dog. DUH.

10. Anderson Cooper Tells the World Andy Is a Top – On Oct. 29, 2013, Andy’s parents Skype with him and his mother changes the subject to “Did the WORLD need Anderson to tell them you’re a TOP?” Yeah, I had to Google to find out what it means, although I had an inkling. A “Top” refers to the male who takes the superior, thrusting, penetrating position in a sexual encounter with a “Bottom.” It’s supposedly the preferred role to prove masculinity. I guess Andy is proud to have this piece of trivia broadcast throughout the world. Maybe in the gay world, a preoccupation with pee and poop and fear of bugs don’t negate a masculine presence?

This book is a perfect example of why I do NOT usually like memoirs, biographies and autobiographies. If you read last week’s blog, I explained myself very clearly. I will NOT read any of Andy Cohen’s books again. I feel disgusted. I even left out his story about being photographed on the street while walking this dog and picking his nose. Andy, if you were so embarrassed, why would you put all of this in your diary?  Is this book supposed to be a joke? A spoof? Is this what must be done to have your life story published? I don’t get it.

But what do I know? He’s Andy Cohen and I’m a nobody.

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